Just show the slightest amount of interest. Men are so attention-starved and used to being completely ignored on a personal level that any amount of attention towards us makes us think that there’s something there. Just start off asking about their weekend or whatever and go from there. Sometimes you just have to stop thinking about it and make the leap, overthinking is what leads to self-doubt.
Most men who would say yes to any beautiful woman without much consideration to anything else are probably good for a night but not for something serious. If this is okay with you, just smile and agree to anything they say and do, it shouldn’t take long, for example at a pub or bar.
Most men I’ve known who want something serious though, will take into account the other person’s personality. So there is no way to “seal the deal” other than hope you two are mutually attracted. It will happen eventually, just be nice and you’re good to go (if they like you).
Your second paragraph is beautiful, thank you.
To the last line in your first paragraph,
I don’t drink alcohol. I don’t go to pubs or bars. The only place I see men is at gyms. I see so many every day. There’s prolonged eye contact, hungry glances, I get scared and look away and continue my workout. This avoidance is becoming unbearable.
Hm, well this really depends on what you are after. If you really are just looking for a no strings attached sexual encounter, there are places where it is socially acceptable to flirt and find people, and those places are clubs, pubs and bars. I’m also not a fan of alcohol and noise, I get what you mean.
Another option which could work for you is Tinder or a similar app, a lot of men specifically say in their bio what they’re up to and even those who don’t say much will very likely move fast and ask you out. The chat can be a great way to break the ice. Always meet first at a cafe or dinner, don’t walk blindly to anyone’s house! I find dates from apps tend to presume you are already ok and into them so they are likely to make a move on you (and it will be a pretty obvious move) much sooner than someone you met elsewhere. Always remember it is perfectly fine to turn down any of these moves/offers which is why you should always meet first in a public place.
It’s understandable a guy won’t flirt with you at the gym. It could be easily considered creeper behaviour and that’s just asking for trouble. But, if there is someone you like keep your mind open and smile, smiling gives men a bit of confidence towards you.
I’d definitely go with tinder etc. - as a woman you have all the deciding power. Just dont swipe the hottest person you see and expect them not to be a piece of shit 🙂
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Try finding more social hobbies. If the only place you’re seeing men at is the gym, of course you’re going to get most of them looking at you like they want to pick you up with their face.
Unless that isn’t the problem?
Just be straightforward: Avoid hinting, speak plainly. I can’t speak for all guys, but I’m terrible at picking up on hints.
Tell me about it. There were so many more opportunities, but I figured I was being a gentlemen. I was just obtuse.
My wife and I hooked up a bit freshmen year in college and then drifted. She later pursued me. Her explanations about how oblivious I was that she wanted to come over and sleep with me are mind boggling in retrospect.
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You’ve spent a lot of this thread denigrating bars/clubs because you find any amount of drinking unattractive, and calling dating apps/meeting someone online shallow and disingenuous.
And then you proudly announce your self-indulgent romp with infidelity, boasting about your profoundly more unattractive and shallow behavior. No amount of healthy living, working out, and good genetics can compensate for that kind of behavior, not to the sort of partner you claim to be after. Your targets are out of your league.
I’m positive this person is full of complete shit. I think they’re role playing.
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I’m unsurprised.
This story reeks of placing your self-esteem in the sexual value others see in you. If that’s the case, do yourself and whoever else a favor and fix that before you enter a relationship.
It reeks of some dude real life role playing
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That’s kind of toxic tbh
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Therapy.
Yeah. I have bipolar disorder. It’s not the scary crazy kind, it’s just crippling to my own self. Over the decades I cope with it by isolating myself whenever I’m not feeling well, which is most of the time, which has crippled my interpersonal skills.
My wife is bipolar type 1. Firstly, I feel for you. It’s fucking difficult. Very difficult. The only thing that got it under control for her was a full scale thermonuclear psychotic break, subsequent hospitalization, and a couple years of steadily tweaking the med cocktail until she found a middle ground between being massively depressed, completely numb, or emotionally raw and explosive.
It’s not easy, but she’s been stable and dare I say verging on happy for the last year, and things seem to be getting better by the day. It wasn’t easy for me to stick around, but I did.
Work on yourself. Get a good psych and good therapist. And hopefully you’ll find a partner willing to accept the difficult parts of you. I’m sure everyone wants your hotness, be wary of those people. My wife is hot too, but I wanted more than that. You deserve to be wanted for more than that.
You are strong for loving her through all that and staying by her side and caring enough to notice what she’s going through and the fact that you’re verbalizing it all here shows that you’ve paid attention to her and you care.
I positively adore her, and we’ve both put in a lot of work on ourselves to get here. Thanks for the kind words. Wish you the very best.
Specifically CBT. Have a therapist tail you in the street as you interact with people, and then compare your impressions with theirs
I genuinely don’t know the meaning of this shortening and google did not help. What does it stand for?
I’m guessing they mean Cognitive Behavioural Therapy
Cock and ball torture
Also works for attracting a certain set of men.
Cognitive behavioural therapy
Yes, cognitive behavioral therapy, my most recent workshop they call it “dialectical behavioral therapy.”
Those are not the same - DBT is more intense than CBT
Aah good to know. I was curious about that.
Have a therapist tail me in the street as I interact with people? That sounds like a really expensive therapist. But oh how often I wish I had a therapist with me all day every day to work with me through every glitchy moment.
I did at university for my own anxiety issues, and it was free as part of student counselling. Probably not anymore, given the world and all…
Stop waiting for the fear to go away. You need to act within the fear.
Courage isn’t a magic umbrella. Courage is a willingness to get wet.
That’s powerful
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I’m a beautiful woman
Low self esteem
Something just isn’t adding up, here.
This is a devastating self report. People are more complicated than their bodies, but I guess being conventionally attractive is enough to be happy from your PoV.
While I get what you’re saying, attractive people are treated better simply by being attractive.
They also can get away with a lot of terrible behavior simply by being attractive.
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This is a devastating self report
I said and implied nothing about my thoughts or feelings.
People are more complicated than their bodies
Thanks for stating the obvious.
I guess being conventionally attractive is enough to be happy from your PoV.
Nope. I never even mentioned happiness. This is a conversation about attraction. Self-esteem in this context means body-image.
This is a conversation about attraction. Self-esteem in this context means body-image.
It absolutely is not, but you are reducing it to that. Read what OP is saying, she is looking for a relationship but is having trouble iniaiting. I mean come on, she calls herself beautiful, yet somehow you read shy as body image thing? That’s just looking skin deep.
It absolutely is not, but you are reducing it to that.
Literally the first 4 words of the post:
I’m a beautiful woman.
I’m not reading between the lines, I’m reading the words themselves. Don’t call me shallow just because I’m not trying to do SCUBA in a puddle.
jesus you have such a douchey reddit attitude
Thanks for contributing nothing to the conversation but insults. I’m sure there’s a forum somewhere for teenagers to practise zingers, but this isn’t the place.
I don’t have to contribute any more than that. You have a shitty attitude.
My wife is very attractive but years of childhood bullying means she has a skewed perception of herself.
Maybe you misunderstood…? I didn’t say attractive people can’t have self-esteem issues. I’m saying people with self-esteem issues generally don’t say “I’m a beautiful person”. They generally say “I’m ugly and unlovable”.
That does make more sense.
I’m pragmatic & self-aware. My face is ugly from certain angles and really cute from other angles. I’m physically healthy, an acrobat, my hobbies are exercising & gym & climbing, and anyone who does that has really nice healthy fit bodies. Genetically mesomorphic like Britney Spears & J-Lo but I have posture issues because of lordosis and also weird alignment issues with my shoulders elbows and wrists that make me look kinda like a primate when I walk. Which affects my self-esteem.
My wife, too. Trauma from neglection and other stuff.
How many beautiful people do we see destroying themselves with filler and lip injections? Beautiful people can absolutely have low self esteem. The self view isn’t always rational.
I just wouldn’t expect a person with low self esteem to call themselves beautiful, that’s all
You can know others find you beautiful without thinking so yourself. It’s a hard thing to understand if you haven’t experienced it, but it’d along the same lines of someone thinking they’re fat when they’re 20lbs underweight.
“I’m a beautiful woman” is far different from “others call me beautiful”
Maybe her low self esteem is based on some other perceived shortcoming? Like social skills for example.
Or maybe OP is just making shit up.
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What.
Uhhh somehow this ended up in the wrong thread. Sorry about that. I’ll delete.
I get what you’re saying, but like OP I’m the kind of person who can call myself beautiful but also have self esteem issues. In my case, it’s because I know it’s objective fact that people keep telling me I’m attractive, but I can’t see myself that way. Like, maybe I’m just surrounded by really supportive people who can ignore my shortcomings easier, and one day I’m going to be exposed to the fact that it turns out the majority of the world thinks I’m ugly.
It’d feel like dismissing everyone who’s ever been attracted to me to not admit that on some level I must be attractive, which would be rude, but at the same time I need people to know I can’t see what they see.
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Tell him some tree facts. For example, “did you know that the bulk of tree mass comes from air?”, etc.
…go on.
Did you know that I broke my wrist falling off a spotted oak as a child in 1979?
Cool, cool… Anywho, tell me more about this spotted oak tree.
I’m a beautiful woman, most men would say “yes” to me
Maybe start with a bit more modesty idk
op hasn’t provided any pictures, they might just be being matter of fact, eschewing false modesty?
You get it.
Lol why would they do that
I think I don’t personally agree with your intentions even though it’s a bit vague. If you are shy in general with low self esteem and want to change that, you should focus on that imo and not have that challenge specifically tied to finding a mate/getting laid.
Rip your inbox.
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Well, congratulations on finding a way to mention it.
I relate to this a lot, in my case the answer was weekly therapy for a year+. Being diagnosed with an anexity disorder and using medication to control it has only had positive effects on my life. I get that therapy is a lot harder to set up and actually do, much less than lemmy. But no one in this thread will help you get to the center of your problems. Trauma, fear and social anexity are not things that can be fixed with some catchy advice. I don’t mean to criticize you for the post, I just see some people making bad jokes and thought I’d give my 2 cents.
Good luck sis!! ♥ 💕
If you don’t mind sharing, may I ask what medication has worked best for you?
I’ve tried so many but experienced mostly bad side effects. But over 20 years ago I recall having a good experience with Paxil before my medical insurance stopped. I don’t even know if Paxil even exist anymore cuz that was so long ago but I recall if a Paxil patient suddenly stops taking it instead of gradually titrating down, then they get a bad withdrawal effect like “brain zaps.”
Thankfully I’ve never experience that but side effects do scare me.
But I do know these medications can be helpful.
Oh sure! I’m taking 150 mg Setraline, which is a generic brand of Zoloft. I did have insurance troubles a few months back and ran out, which wasn’t fun but no pain. I just got to show my new girlfriend how anxious,
catastrophizing and lethargic I was before we met.🙄🎉I also use Mirtazapine to help me sleep, (because at night is when I rue and obsess over problems) and take Hydroxyzine as needed when I am feeling anxious. The only side effect I have is that most tend to make me sleepy, BUT since I permanently exist with coffee in my hand it’s manageable.
I do feel for ya thou, I’m the lucky one in my family. Both my sisters took a year or two to find medication that works for them and Serta was only my second. And a old old old GF did have a sertonine crash when she trying meds. It’s often a tough journey, but I can say that all 4 of us are doing much better overall once we found the right meds. I hope this helps!
Men are simple, smile and say hi,
Then just talk about what excites you
Yes we simple. But we need clear signs to be sure that she’s into a man or just being friendly. A smile and say hi and talking about what excites them is what very outgoing women do out of friendliness and is not a sign of attractiveness.
I know what you mean. Once every couple years I happen to be in a talkative outgoing mood and people think I’m flirting with them. But I’m not.
Anyway that mood only lasts for a couple hours. And it happens once every couple years. I can’t predict it and I can’t plan it and I can’t control it, and I can’t even shift that charm to work on people I actually want it to work on.
Because unfortunately when I’m attracted to someone I get cripplingly shy and I can’t even look at them or talk to them.
Looks are an asset but they only open doors, they don’t do anything else. Once through the door it’s everything else, not how you look. What is your concern, specifically? be the best you that you can be. Do the things that interest you and enjoy them. Low self esteem is mostly a problem because if you judge yourself people think you are judging them. Try to give yourself the same consideration you would give a friend, you are a person too, there’s no point in holding yourself to some impossible standard.
I’d say also realize you will make mistakes. Don’t expect every guy to be a perfect match. As you get experience you will feel more comfortable.
Take a seat at a bar. It won’t take 5 minutes
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tbh you sound insufferable.
Thanks for participating in the comments ♥️
I saw a post this morning where someone was complaining about a minor grammatical error and thought “this person sounds insufferable”. Imagine my surprise when I found out it was you!
Honestly…if you want to be able to make friends or engage in romantic relationships, you need to work on your superiority complex. Have a nice day
Are you like that around everyone or just the men you feel attracted to? If it’s around everyone you should probably work on that first. Maybe join a Toastmasters club to build confidence.
Yes it’s everyone. I have bipolar disorder. The only place I feel comfortable in my skin is at the gym.
I would be a nervous wreck in the formal confines of a toastmasters club. Sitting still, Standing still, talking, aaagh no thank you.
I just want physical fitness, exercise, a personal connection with someone based on that healthy foundation, then cuddling 💕 🍆
Join a social dancing club. This keeps you stay healthy and also improves your self-esteem. Also it creates this Personal Connection to the other person while dancing. Be advised though - there is also shitty leaders out there, who are purely after that one thing.
