I do not like to be stared at.
Yes, I know that is my problem and I should not expect the rest of the world to conform to my issue. There, happy? Everytime you complain nowadays people want to tell you “maybe the issue is you and you should not expect the rest of society to adjust to your issues”. There I said it for you…can we continue?
However, there are some adults that will just look and look and look at you when you enter a room and it’s nonsense. There’s nothing new under the sun. I want to ask them, “Have you never seen a human being before?”
I am a dude. I imagine this is 1 million times worse for women.
Staring in public, waiting your turn in line, maintaining a normal talking volume in public. I think I learned all that in kindergarten or before. Some adults need to Billy Madison themselves and go back to kindergarten.
In kindergarten, I learned not to laugh while staring.
That’s right. Look, and then turn away to laugh
- Staring Contest
The old classic staring contest! This is great for all children aged 3 to 7.
This is the ultimate game for eye-contact, which is so important for children in these screen-obsessed times.
You simply sit staring at each other, and the child that holds off from blinking the longest is the champion.
You can also do the laughing version: you stare and the winner is the one that doesn’t laugh. Hours of fun.
https://earlyimpactlearning.com/16-partner-games-for-kids-for-ages-3-7/#5_Staring_Contest
I do this all the time at the gym. I push myself until I’m drenched and delirious. About to pass out. Lizard brain. Unga bunga. It takes me way too long to realize I’m staring at someones tits. It’s fuckin awful.
I find this is quite a cultural thing. Italians stare a lot in my experience. I’ve been stared at a lot in countries where I’m the shiny white boy or because I have a beard (beards aren’t really a thing in China).
Where I live staring is fairly taboo (Ireland) and can even illicit the classic Dublin line “why don’t you take a photograph? It’ll last longer”
Definitely cultural. You will have a bad time if you expect people to not stare at you in India for example.
I find myself staring sometimes, but it’s because:
- Things that move distract my attention.
- I’ve spaced out and didn’t realise where my eyes were pointing.
- I’m trying to work out why you look so familiar, unsure if I know you.
Those are valid points.
For me, I am trying to deconstruct an interesting article of clothing, or that someone is wearing.
I’ve spaced out and didn’t realise where my eyes were pointing.
So much this.
“I wasn’t staring at you, I was trying to remember the name of the band that plays this song and you wandered into my gaze”
I find it much easier to avoid people and stare at the ground, where there usually no people.
Ah yes, stare at the dead. They can’t complain.
- When I saw you, something about you reminded me of something (ex: your shirt looks like one my friend used to wear) and I actually thinking about that but my eyes didn’t change location.
Add to that: You have text on your shirt and I’m just tryna read it.
Not just staring or appropriate voice volume, but other basic considerations as well:
- Flushing the toilet when your’e done (especially public ones)
- (bonus to the above) And for gods’ sake, wash your hands when you’re done in the bathroom
- Put things back where you got them (aka if you change your mind and decide you don’t want the frozen chicken, don’t just put it on a random shelf in the middle of the store).
Auto flushing toilets are because it’s unsanitary as fuck to touch a public flusher. Just touched your pecker or wiped your ass? You flush before you wash your hands…. Lots of people flush with their foots for this reason, makes it even more disgusting.
Feet
Your feet are more disgusting than your hands, it’s damaging to the flusher, and you can slip and fall hurting yourself.
People need to stop suggesting even WORSE options…. You are not clever by using your foot, you are just making it worse for everyone else.
No, no, I meant it was feet instead of foots
Would be foot instead if you want to correct it…
No it’s not. People is plural, so it means lots of feet.
People is plural and singular, if you want to attempt to correct someone’s grammar, at least do it correctly……
Oh, I thought you were going for the plural since you had the s on there
You realize people is plural and singular, yeah…?
That’s not wrong, but I’ve never really been too personally squicked out by the flush handle. Worst case, I tap it with my foot or use some TP as a boundary layer. Regardless, I’m going to be washing my hands within the next 30 seconds because I’m a functioning adult. lol
You then need to open the door to get out of the stall, which the next person needs to touch before touching themselves…
Nothing to do with being a functioning adult, it’s just unsanitary as fuck for everyone involved.
- Flush the toilet when you’re done, especially public ones. Those annoying automatic flush toilets? Those exist (largely*) because of you 🫵.
No one leaves a toilet un-flushed on purpose. It’s inevitable to forget eventually. I don’t like it when people forget but it doesn’t bother me too much.
Staring at people is already considered rude though.
Also, if you want to be respectful but still figure out why they’re staring at you, just ask them if you have something on your face.
OP is SCP-096
I feel like there’s more to this story. My experience is US centric, but it’s considered very rude to stare at people… and I can’t imagine why anyone would tell you “maybe the issue is you” when you complained about folks staring at you.
I will say that a large number of guys don’t realize how obvious they are when checking out someone they’re attracted to.
I can’t imagine why anyone would tell you “maybe the issue is you” when you complained
It’s very common for people to tell you that you are the issue when you complain. They do this because then it requires no effort on their part to change their behavior. They just volley the ball back into your court and tell you, “Uh, did you ever think that the issue is with you?” and “Don’t expect society to bend over backwards to adjust to your little issues” Once they say that they are guilt free they can continue on behaving as they choose because in their mind the issue is with you and not them.
Have you not experienced this? It’s very common now.
I feel like there’s more to this story.
Sorry, there’s not more to the story. People stare for uncomfortable amounts of time. Also, you stating that “there’s more to the story” is you doing a form of what I described above…which is pushing back on the person complaining and not on the underlying rude behavior.
Also, you stating that “there’s more to the story” is you doing a form of what I described above…which is pushing back on the person complaining and not on the underlying rude behavior.
I don’t think this is true. I stated that the staring behavior would be considered very rude and implied heavily that whoever is staring is in the wrong. To be clear, whoever is staring is in the wrong. They should not do this.
It’s more that I’m surprised that you’re running into this issue. In my social circle, staring would be considered extremely rude and, if I complained to others about it, people would strongly agree. This is what led me to believe that there’s some extra piece of info here. For example, maybe you come from a culture where staring is acceptable or you’re young and happen to be surrounded by jackasses.
It’s very common for people to tell you that you are the issue when you complain.
In person?? Holy shit …that is, like, ultra mega hyper turbo rude. (Online it is common, even expected). US? If so what state do you live in because I can’t imagine that ever happening here in Colorado. The state is generally pretty friendly and chill compared to some places I’ve been.
Yeah, people are not considerate nowadays. I can give you two examples:
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This was in Tennessee (I do not live there now). I had a neighbor install a dog in his backyard. I say “install” because he got a dog, threw it in the backyard, never took it for walks, and spent no time with it. The dog would just bark and bark. When I complained he told me “you are just sensitive to loud noises”. Meanwhile, there were several nights when the dog would bark and wake us both up and I could hear him angrily yell at the dog to be quiet.
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This was actually in Colorado. I was just passing through and camping in a National Forest. It was very peaceful until a dude came in and started blasting his car stereo while he was setting up his tent. I wasn’t even near him and was several sites away. I walked over and asked him if he could turn it down and it was instant asshole time. He started telling me about how all his friends were coming and it was going to get loud. And how it was my fault for coming to a popular camping spot and expecting silence.
So, you can’t reason with people. If someone is being rude they are the exact type who are not going to self-correct their rude behavior when pointed out. In fact, they will most likely double down on it and then insinuate that it is you that’s the actual problem.
Oof. Yeah 1 pisses me off so much. I love dogs. Dogs should be part of the pack not a yard ornament.
As for 2 I am sorry. Actually I guess that’s happens a lot here because I hear about it all the time. I wished people got training for outdoors etiquette.
You hit it on the head. Selfish assholes will be rude and then if challenged see it as your problem not theirs.
I imagine things have been like this for as long as humans have existed. Maybe longer. Maybe there were even more selfish Australopithecus assholes back in the day idk.
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Sorry, there’s not more to the story
Oh boy, this is the other thing people do lately, isn’t it? I’m sorry to get sidetracked, but I think they want so badly for something interesting to happen that they imagine there must be some big reveal or twist behind any story.
You could give certain people a detailed and graphic breakdown of one of Jeffrey Dahmer’s murders, and they’d be like, “Well, we haven’t heard the full context. I don’t want to pass judgment.”
Wondering if there is more to the story, for me at least, is just basic critical thinking, especially if the claim seems unusual. If anything I am guilty of being too gullible. Learning to stop myself and think about other explanations is helpful.
Yeah, I think that’s fine, but some people get super direct or almost aggressive about it. Asking for more details is fine, but often the OP doesn’t have additional details, and people need to be willing to accept that. For instance, this situation sounds a lot like a general observation and not something that’s unique to one particular set of circumstances. It’s also something I’ve experienced, so I guess for me, I understand what he’s talking about exactly.
Some people also don’t read the other comments in a thread before posting theirs – a lot of people – and then it gets super exhausting as the OP to have to respond to each demand for context individually, when they’ve already responded to someone else. I feel like I still have trauma from the time I made a post on reddit that accidentally depicted someone from Australia instead of the US, and I must have had like 50 comments telling me, even though I’d already responded to the first person who told me by admitting my mistake and apologizing for the mixup.
But I got a bit sidetracked there. What I mean is, something like “Does this happen in any specific place or circumstance?” is reasonable and non-confrontative. Saying, “There must be more to the story that you’re not telling us” is unreasonably rude and aggressive. It’s really unkind to make veiled accusations against someone, unfounded and unprovoked – especially in a community that’s expressly about sharing unpopular opinions! Like, wouldn’t you want more people to share their unpopular opinions? That seems like the whole point!
Sorry, there’s more to the story
Nah I’m on this guy’s side. I think there needs to be more context. In most western countries it’s generally rude to stare. So is OP walking in to lectures late, is he farting loud as he’s walking, does he perceive a glance as staring too long… or actually do people in his area just stare too much ?
Further context is warranted to paint the picture.Maybe OP is hot af. Like, I’m > 99% straight but even I would stare if certain movie star looking dudes walked in.
As an engineer type I see everything as a problem to solve so naturally I also want to troubleshoot right now, as you illustrate.
Maybe OP is hot af.
Upvoted just for being funny! Ha! Also, just a normal looking dude.
I feel like he made it clear in his post:
there are some adults that will just look and look and look at you when you enter a room
These people are just starting unprovoked. He doesn’t say that everyone does this, everywhere he goes. He says that some adults will stare at you.
And guess what? I’ve totally experienced this. Personally, I think part of it for me is living in a small-ish town, but still, it’s unprovoked behavior.
Even if you’re walking into lectures, it’s still not good form for people to stare, and the farting is something you’ve totally conjured out of thin air. None of these details were in OP’s post. We don’t need more details. When he uses the word “just,” that implies this is simple unprovoked behavior.
The idea that “further context is warranted” is absurd. The OP has already made clear in another comment that there is no further context.
and the farting is something you’ve totally conjured out of thin air. None of these details were in OP’s post
No joke, it’s called an example.
So seeing as we’re all on the same page re: staring being inappropriate. How long do you consider to be too long to look at someone? I wonder if that’s the same as OP. Theres nothing wrong with asking for more context if it can help people understand, because as everyone is saying, this seems unusual behavior and not acceptable…
Please correct that typo ((
is isit is)) in the title before I commentCorrected. Thanks for pointing that out. I hate typos too.
Psychology is complex and maybe I cannot help but it could be possible to train your mind in the opposite direction thinking like : if nobody looks at you then this is bad because now you are being ignored. So, when they look at you then you can train yourself thinking that it is good because you are worthy of attention. Of course, I don’t know much about you and I might be completely wrong, this is a long shot.
Psychology is complex
I see your point. Like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, right?
It’s a valid point but if you apply a slippery slope argument to staring and other rude behaviors it always results in the people being rude getting to do whatever they want, they do not have to spend energy thinking or correcting their actions, and the person being affected is the one who needs to change and just accept it. Still, I understand your point.
I don’t like people staring at me for uncomfortable periods of time but I don’t mind (and maybe like it) when little babies or toddlers do so out in public. I understand they are curious and have little self control. So, as you stated, “Psychology is complex”.
I’ve accidentally been accused of staring before. I tend to space out and not even focus my eyes, but it can look like I’m staring. That said, yeah, it’s not great. I’m a white guy who’s frequently in rural parts of Japan and can get stared at sometimes. Moreso if my tattoos are visible, but that’s due to their negative stigma still here (I only have a few on my arms).
Oh boy.
Those people don’t have the time for all the remedial classes they need to take.
I hear you OP, but in my region (northern Spain and Portugal) you would have to reeducate 99% of the population over 40. Especially in rural areas. It was freeing living abroad in Ireland because people would actually stare at me less, even though I was a foreigner. It’s a weird cultural thing 🤷♀️
I’m in an American midwestern small town, and people do the same thing here. The more rural the community, the worse it gets.
I’m not sure people here even realize they’re staring – they’re just not very good at interacting with people who aren’t the few individuals they see every day.
You already stated the obvious “maybe the issue is you and you should not expect the rest of society to adjust to your issues.”
“I do not like being stared at.” While we can agree it’s rude to stare, being bothered by it enough to make a post is beyond what most of us consider a “normal” amount. Why do you not like it?
I suspect the answer is a thought leading to this feeling. You may not even recognize that thought. If I were in your shoes with my similar experiences in feeling this way, it usually stems from a subconscious thought of “I’m doing something wrong.” You are judging yourself for the behavior of other people. If other people were staring at you in judgement:
- You can’t control anyone other than yourself. You do not have the ability to force someone to stop staring.
- You can’t control what a person thinks. If they are staring in judgement thinking you look weird as shit, you can’t prevent that.
- You also can’t read their mind. You can’t assume why they are judging, and even if you ask them why they are, they have no obligation to give you a truthful answer.
What I would do in a situation like this, is start to tweak whatever the automatic thought is. To do this:
- Identify the thought - this is crucial. Name it. Connect emotions to it.
- Find more reasonable explanations than the thought. “I must look familiar to them.” “They look deep in thought.”
- Modify your behavior to address it in a constructive way to help you change the thought. An easy one here is to give a little wave. In most cases the person will probably realize what they are doing and stop staring.
You already stated the obvious
I wrote what I wrote because I did not want someone like you to write a wall of text telling me how the problem is me. You were unable to figure that out.
See. You have proved my point. You can no longer vent in society because people will tell you that it is due to some personal deficiency you have and that you need to make an effort to change. Meanwhile the people being rude can continue on and never change or burn a calorie contemplating how their actions affect others. You proved my point.
I didn’t say the problem was you. I gave a way to go about dealing with it effectively.
You can’t change other people. It won’t happen. Literally impossible, like violating causality, or diving by zero.
Seriously, try this out. Contemplate what your automatic thought is causing all this to be so bothersome.
I know you tried to get ahead of it in the post, but I truly think that is your problem and you might be reading too much into it… You don’t get to skip that response just because you mentioned it.
I’m in the UK and honestly never noticed anything like this. Are you talking about people looking in your direction, or staring straight at you for over a minute?
Tbh, nobody cares what you’re doing and nobody wants to stare at you. Maybe there’s the occasional weirdo, but in my experience they’ve usually got some pretty obvious mental health issues.
