So 20 years old, son?

I’m just kidding around. (It’s ok even though you said no because I get two strikes for free.) E: According to some guy in this thread.

It was a prank, bro.

Don’t you believe me?

1. No but really. What is the difference between intentional and unintentional harassment? How do you ask him that? What kind of question would you use? How do you detect lies?

2-4 aren’t super interesting. I’m not agreeing, but it’s just not useful to continue.

Lastly, I think it’s obvious you’re a little bit younger than the other commenters. That’s no sin. Young people don’t always think through their actions, especially how they might be received. Case in point, edge lord humor, which often uses deadpan sex and racial references; someone who faces sexual and racial threats frequently is more likely to be bothered by those kinds of “jokes” and might not understand it’s supposed to be a joke. Since we don’t carry forms detailing what topics bother us, it’s often best to avoid those kinds of jokes. It’s not censorship, but instead a courtesy we can extend to others. Caring about others is not a failing.

I would urge you to keep in mind who your audience is, that there are jokes you can make to friends that are different than those you make to acquaintances, and remember inflection and tone don’t transfer well in text. Mistakes do happen, and so do consequences.

The reason most of us are on high alert, is there are countless instances of women being raped, beaten, and/or murdered by men with “a strange sense of humor.” Where the women reported concerning behavior and the instigator was given a stern warning, and then the woman is found a week later in a field. I keep pressing the intent question because this method doesn’t work at identifying bad intent.

When you make someone uncomfortable with your words, you might not have thought the knife was sharp, but someone did get cut. Your intent doesn’t change the fact you hurt someone. We might not call the cops, but we might ask that you stop showing off your proverbial knife or not come around any more.

Yeah that’s fair.

1. Who admits to intentional harassment? How do you test for that? Especially when being questioned by a third party.

2. How many strikes?

3. Losing other members out of fear is a concern on our minds. How many women would stay after we enact a ‘boys will be boys’ policy? Letting them know that men can say whatever to them as long as they say it was just a prank afterwards.

E: 4. When it isn’t sexual, and it’s someone saying “fucking n–gers, we don’t like your kind around here” should we allow the instigator the benefit of the doubt that it’s just a prank?

I explained to someone outside the group and social circle why I was dragging ass typing on my phone, and the strangeness really hit.

Some guy messaged one of our female members saying he thought she was really pretty and he was having inappropriate thoughts about her. After she told him she wasn’t interested, he said he was just joking and offered to make it up to her by taking her out for drinks.

I feel ya. That seems like it could be overly broad; there are many reasons to message someone that aren’t creepy. Reminding users that being creepy (I know, I’m shorthanding it) is not allowed seems more to the point. I appreciate the suggestion though.

It’s against the current rules. We just didn’t explicitly state not to sexually harass other members.

This is my first foray with this as a mod, and a first for the group.

Would you change anything about this message?

Hello _______,

We hope this message finds you well. After carefully reviewing recent interactions, we want to address some concerning behavior that has raised significant issues within our community.

In your recent messages, you mentioned having inappropriate thoughts about a female member after checking out her social media. This kind of commentary goes against our community principles, which emphasize respect, inclusivity, and maintaining a positive atmosphere.

Furthermore, we noticed that after the female member expressed discomfort, you continued by suggesting a drink and a potential meetup. This persistence, despite clear signs of discomfort, is not in line with our community values.

Considering the seriousness of these actions and their impact on the well-being of the community, we’ve made the decision to remove you from our server and ask that you no longer attend our events. Our goal is to ensure a safe and respectful environment for all members, and unfortunately, your actions have compromised this atmosphere.

If you have any questions or concerns about this decision, please feel free to reach out.

Best regards,

They expressed a concern that a warning means that it’s ok to sexually harass members once, but not twice.

I didn’t need a study to tell me that. See, back in 'nam there were no studies, no lettuce, no cars. We did what we did and we knew what we knew.

To be pedantic, all other things being equal, like quantity sold. Riiiiiight?

hahaha - I’m following the FAFO method to musical education right now, and this advice is reassuring.

Eww, gross.

I deleted every single comment and post on the seven or so accounts I was able to remember passwords for, and then deleted the accounts. That also meant I got to see about ten years worth of comments and posts. There are some phases of life I’d rather not be preserved for posterity’s sake.