Couldn’t find any venting communities on Lemmy, but if one exists please direct me to it. I’m fairly sick right now so I could have just missed one in my dazed state.

I’ve been dealing with a problem lately. Technically not just lately, but my whole life, but for the past few years it’s something I didn’t have to worry about.
I’ve always been a fairly popular person in whatever circles I take part in. People like me. They like my personality. They like my appearance. My friends value me extremely highly. All that’s great. But when it comes to relationships, I always flop on my face.
Some people find me really attractive but don’t want anything serious. Some people do want something serious, but get scared off the second they see what’s hiding under the hood. Others just prefer me as a friend and would rather not complicate that with a relationship. But practically zero people both want anything serious and find themselves able to handle me and my mental issues.
There’s only been one person ever who I ever had any semblance of a successful relationship with, and that was my first ex. We dated for two years, fell deeply in love, but still in the end broke up because of mental issues making being together too painful to deal with.

I’m just so afraid I’ll never find anyone. I found the first person in the world who could handle my emotional outbursts completely unfazed recently, and she just wanted to be friends. Don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled to have a friend as amazing as her. I’m just living in fear that I’ll never be able to find somebody who can handle and understand me like she can, who does want to be anything more. I just want people to stop leaving because of my over-tuned emotions getting in the way.

And yeah, yeah, I know, “you don’t need a relationship to be happy” and whatever. That’s not the point. The point is I practically don’t even have the option of a relationship in the first place because nobody can handle my deeper issues. I’m on numerous meds. I’ve tried therapy, and am still trying. I’ve done all I can on the road to self improvement and the only thing left I can do is find somebody who can handle what issues remain, and it doesn’t look like that’ll happen. It feels like I got a million romantic options and zero of them are good ones.

I know there’s only one real solution, and that’s to keep trying, and keep looking. I just needed to vent about it because the process of doing so is making me feel like shit and giving up would make me feel even worse, as if accepting that I’m unlovable.

  • BirdEnjoyer@kbin.social
    0·
    5 months ago

    You mentioned you’re on meds, but how deep does the health rabbit hole go, I wonder? The body is a whole system, after all.
    Have ALL your hormone systems been checked, your iron, your inflammation markers, lupus, etc?
    Have you ever had a sleep study? (Do you snore?) Do you have migraines or anything like that? Are you perhaps super flexible?

    Any of these could be a potential lead to some relief, if you have an additional underlying health issue like sleep apnea, anemia, hypothyroidism, or the likes.

    All of these can just fly under the radar for years as just fucking with your head, and most of them can be resolved with pills- supplements, antibiotics, t4, etc.

    I personally identify with so many of your fears- I’m personally coming to the realization that I may not be aro ace and I’m in denial, which is scary.

    But I’ve only come so far in part because I feel so much better after getting my thyroid out, getting my thyroid levels right for the first time maybe ever, medicating my sex hormones, and getting my migraines to some relative degree of managed for the first time.