We were intimate for a minute but I love him more than he loves me; he loves tons of people with heartfelt passion but there isn’t enough of him to go around for everyone and he breaks a lot of hearts and he feels bad about it,

I think one woman even committed suici*e over him. Because I think that’s just how he is, he loves powerfully and then you catch him loving someone else, and it’s heartbreaking.

He’s powerful and you never regret loving him once you know him.

And before you think I’m describing a sociopath, no he’s not a sociopath.

There is simply not enough of him to go around for everyone. Everyone loves him, he’s awesomesauce.

anyway so he texted me “Merry Christmas” this morning, and you know as adults we don’t get many texts ever, My phone is always completely silent unless I get some text or phone call from a business or my doctor or something,

now I’m hesitating to respond to him because if I do, this is what I would say, (spoiler: DON’T WORRY I’M NOT GOING TO SAY ANY OF IT!) because it’s better to be quiet than to say what I’m really thinking:

"Aw thank you, [Name]. I hope you’re having a Merry Christmas too. I’m sitting alone in the back of a dark van, waiting for life to begin, but it never will begin because going to the gym alone and going to the beach alone and doing everything alone has become so mind-numbingly depressing for decades so I’m just sitting here waiting until Saturday when I have my next client

after I worked so hard for 2 months to get this job only for them to tell me I’m only allowed to work 3 days a week. So I’m not earning enough money to survive and I’m exhausted over life in general

And some random person must’ve gotten a sadistic thrill puncturing my tires while I was at work last week and I can’t afford new tires because I already spent my budget on these new KO2’s 4 months ago,

And now I’m fearing the worst, if the PSI in my leaking tires gets any lower I won’t be able to roll anywhere, then I’ll be stuck in one place getting parking citations because that’s how California is, and then they’ll tow my vehicle to be impounded somewhere,

then I’ll be certifiably homeless and still can’t afford new tires, parking citations and impounding fees, And would I even be able to afford an Uber to take me to the gym to take a shower every day then Uber to work? will even be able to afford my gym memberships anymore? And then Uber to where at the end of every day? Where would I sleep at night? And if I don’t have anywhere to live, how can I be clean, safe, & rested enough to be bright & shiny for work those 3 pitiful days a week?

so I’m just laying here defeated, I’m breathing, and sometimes I get out of bed to pee into a jug.

And this is why I’m quiet.  Isn’t it wiser & stronger to be quiet than to ramble the depressing truth all the time, while everyone else is happy & thriving? 😄 Mysterious silence serves as a facade that all is well. Because that’s what adults do. They don’t complain. They get shit done. But I am just laying here defeated.

and I hope you’re having a Merry Christmas too. You are always drowning in love. "

He has a girlfriend and a mom and a brother and a house and I cry when he texts me, because I love him so much but I can’t have him, so how can I possibly respond in a mature composed manner? I’d rather not respond at all If I can’t respond in a composed manner, but if I don’t respond at all, he might interpret that as indifference and ghosting.

Anyway, I’m quite aware that everything I said up there would only serve as human repellent, and I know that, so that’s why IRL I am quiet and keep to myself. Suffer alone in silence. It’s a facade of strength.

“Thanks. I’m well. Hope you’re doing well too.”

Isn’t there something in between I could tell him? Something between “everything’s fine” and “everything is utter doom” ?