My ex, 30f, and I, 32m, broke up awhile back. We have been trying to work things out tho because neither of us want to move on. She still comes over every month (we live 3 hours apart), do stuff together, etc. We have been trying to make it work, but recently (November 27th) I found out that even though she still says she loves me and wanted to make things work, she was sleeping with these 2 guys multiple times. 6 times over the course of at least 7 months, with a 7th time planned (and supposedly cancelled) for the 16th of december. I had a suspicion about it for multiple reasons, but my suspicions were confirmed when I accidentally opened discord on the laptop I recently set up for her. I saw her sending photos that I had taken of her during our trip to a fair, saying she’s like to show him all her costumes in person. Seeing that, my heart sank and I started reading the entire dm, which contained them talking about meeting up, the aftermath of their meetup, her saying she missed him, and other things… the first time they met up she had told me she was watching a movie with her family, but that was a lie. She was with him…
I confronted her about it, saying if she was doing stuff with someone else I just wanted the truth and that if she just admitted it, I wouldn’t be as hurt. But she tried to beat around the bush, saying it never went beyond sexting. This was false, as I saw her and him messaging each other, with her saying what she enjoyed about their encounter… I kept pushing, basically begging her to please be honest with me. Eventually I told her I saw the messages and asked her again, where she admitted she did. she said she had met up with 2 guys two separate times, but at first she said it was only once each. I kept pushing, and eventually she admitted it was a total of 6 times between the two guys. With one of the guys, they didn’t use protection…
I know we aren’t together, but we had been trying to make things work. At least I had been. She has been visiting every month (I’m not able to visit her due to my work schedule and the distance). I’ve always had trust issues due to how I grew up. My ex would tell me she loves me and wants things to work between us, and I’d try my best to do whatever I can for her. When she comes over, we try to cook together and do stuff together. I would pay for almost everything, and yes I’d get annoyed when she wanted to add random sweets to our groceries but I did it because I loved her. I thought she was trying to make this work, it seemed like she was, but now finding out about this… 2 guys, 6 times, over the course of months… she was still coming to my house every month, telling me she loved me, telling me she wants to be with me and only me, sleeping in my bed with me, being intimate with me… we did stuff together, even if outside my comfort zone but I did so because I loved her and wanted her to be happy.
I’m both angry for trusting anyone again, and broken because I was afraid of this happening. I’ve been cheated on, lied to, emotionally and physically abused, manipulated in past relationships and in my family life. And here I felt like I lost everything again.
She says she is sorry and wants to make this right, that she regrets it, but I feel so emotionally numb now. I told her that she broke whatever semblance of trust I had left, and that she’d have to work to regain my trust. She says she regrets it, and I know it’s harsh, but 6 times. Six times. I know I’m not there enough for her, nowhere near as much as I want to be. But did she not regret it the first time? Or second? Third? Why try to hide it from me when I was telling her if she just came clean up front it wouldn’t hurt as much. Yes it still hurt, but the fact that I had to push and pry to get her to admit it. And she says she was planning to tell me in December, yet she had another escapade planned for the 16th.
I was able to contact one of the guys and he had no idea and kept apologizing to me, telling me he hasn’t deleted any of the chats so if I wanted to know anything to let him know. He blocked her on everything (and I made sure she blocked him on everything) and he told me that had he known she was actively with someone, he wouldn’t have done anything with her. The other guy I haven’t contacted, and tbh I’d rather not.
I can barely eat or sleep now. She said she wants to make things right, show me her phone whenever I want to prove she’s being faithful now, be more honest with me, etc. but idk… I said yes to her open phone thing, and she gave me some of her socials. Low and behold, she mass deleted stuff and mass blocked guys, saying she was scared of what I’d see, because she knows they’re bad.
Long story cut alittle short, I’m a forgiving person and I CAN forgive her. I’ve told her she has to re-earn my trust now after everything she did to me. But now I’m extremely paranoid that she’s just fucking around because the distance gives her cover. She reassures me she’s not, but idk. She had been accusing me of doing the same for the past 2 years because I have a friend (21f) that has had a thing for me for a few years that I visit every few months, but I had never acted on it . My ex would get jealous that I’d see her and think we were doing stuff. Yet she was doing the very thing she was accusing me of. I’ve had every chance to, she does not hide that she wants me, but I’ve always rebuked it because I wanted to make things work with my ex and she’s been respectful of that, not overstepping boundaries and telling me she wants to see my ex and I work if it’ll make me happy. I’ve always had more of an older brother like relationship with her.
I just needed to vent and rant. At this point we are back to FWB (monogamous), while she earns my trust back. Idk if I can ever forgive her after this, and maybe I’m stupid for giving her this when she doesn’t deserve it. I’ve been having panick attacks on and off since I found all this out. I’m in the middle of transitioning from one company to another, so that’s been weighing on me too because I like the team I’m currently on but I’m trying to better my career. I was doing it to have more time to visit my ex and the possibility of a better long-term career for us. Now idk if it was worth it and it’s too late to go back.
I know we weren’t technically together, but she had made it clear that we were monogamous. So I didn’t pursue or even try to meet anyone else, I didn’t try to sleep around or anything, etc.
Just end it. You’re going to turn into a controlling, jealous arse and she is not going to be happy.
My advice?
This ship is sunk. Do yourself a favor and step off it with grace and perhaps a bit of panache.
You can do better.
Okay, so you broke up. You’re trying to make it work out, but you’re not together right now.
So I’m confused as to why this is an issue. She doesn’t owe you fidelity right now, and this isn’t cheating. If you were hiring prostitutes every weekend, you wouldn’t be cheating on her either, because you’re not in a relationship with each other, and you certainly aren’t monogamous with each other at this time, because you’re broken up as a couple.
Right off the bat, there is nothing for her to apologize about, but you certainly owe her an apology for prying into something that was private and simply is not your business at this time. She doesn’t need your forgiveness.
My dude, there are a lot of red flags here, but they’re all coming from you. You’re treating this as though you’re in a relationship because you want to be, and being jealous when you have no right to be.
So I’m confused as to why this is an issue.
Did you miss the while part of thr story where she lied about being monogamous?
She doesn’t owe him monogamy though. Because they aren’t together. She also doesn’t owe him any details about her sex life or relationships unless and until they get back together.
Like, if an ex- asked me about my porn and masturbation habits, fuck yeah I’m gonna lie to them, because it’s none of their goddamn business.
Monogamy is implied. Eithererway, she should have been clear and hinest but I suspect she was enjoying the ambiguity becsuse it benefitted her by eating her cake while keeping it too.
No, he assumed. He thought that since they had been, in the past, a monogamous couple, that she would remain monogamous to him when they were not a couple, because they were talking about the possibility of becoming a couple again.
Monogamy is only implied when you’re actually in a relationship with someone. And I’d say that maybe you should talk about that shit instead of assuming it.
Why woulf she lie about it then? He explicitly asked her I thought. Lies of omission are still lies.
If you’re trying to make a monogamous relationship work with someone it’s implied they aren’t fucking around, especially if there wasn’t an open relationship prior to.
I know I’m responding to this very late, but she explicitly said that despite us separating, she still wanted to work it out with me and wouldn’t see anyone else. She’d accuse me during that time of sleeping with other women (I wasn’t) and kept telling me that because she wants us to work she wasn’t seeing anyone either.
So no, it wasn’t assumed. She did owe me monogamy because she was explicitly demanding it from me, which I kept my word.
“Never Make Someone a Priority When You’re Only An Option”
I’m really sorry man, but it sounds like you’re just the backup plan. It sucks, but the most important thing to know here is that you deserve better.
Oof. But yes, too true.
Throw the whole woman away
Have some self respect and move on from her. She has every right to have whatever relationships she wants, and it’s fine for you to not be ok with it. Go find your own thing now.
That’s a rough spot to be in, and you have my sympathy. I still have to be honest, I doubt that there’s any way that it will work out between you two, and you should take the time to grieve the end of the relationship.
It’s not that she’s a bad person, she’s just desperate not to be alone. You’re the backup plan while she’s looking for somebody else (who’s closer). She probably means it when she says she cares, but it’s possible to care for more than one person.
Let it go. You will find somebody who fits you better. No need to force something that’s not working. (Hell, you’ve already got another woman who wants to be with you, which bodes well.)
I’m a little unclear on the timeline. When did you originally break up, and how long were you together before that? Were you actually together when she hooked up with these guys, or just “trying to work things out”?
back to FWB (monogamous), while she earns my trust back
What is the practical difference between a relationship and a monogamous FWB situation? Have you two talked this out and established a shared understanding of the dynamic? You’re going to be hurt if she sees other guys, but generally exclusivity is “relationship” territory, not “FWB” territory, at least by my understanding. Whatever you two call it, please make sure that you are truly on the same page.
Obviously, I don’t have all the information and this is your decision. My advice would be NOT to pursue a relationship with someone you don’t trust. I’ve been there and it didn’t go well. It’s not fair to either of you. Decide now. Make the choice to forgive and trust her, or make the choice to walk away. This isn’t going to sort itself out over time.
In order to trust her, you’re going to need to understand why she acted the way she did, and have a solid reason why that wouldn’t happen again. That reason should be better than just “she promised she wouldn’t”. Remember that assurances made under duress are worthless.
If you two are serious about this, couple’s therapy could help. I know it sucks to talk about it, but better out than in. If you leave these things unsaid, they will fester in your mind. A good therapist will help the two of you come to an understanding so you can make a better, more informed decision.
You deserve a relationship that does not negatively impact your mental well-being.
This says so much about how to look at the situation, using so few words. Great perspective.
This^
Its one thing yo have an open relationship when it’s agreed upon, but clearly you didn’t, and you were trying to work through issues between the two of you. It’s hard to rebuild that trust back after this. And it’s important for uou to be with someone that wants to help you be in a good mental head space.
Long story cut alittle short, I’m a forgiving person and I CAN forgive her.
You can forgive her, but don’t take her back. She cheated on you many times and if she justified it previously, she’ll justify it again. The same applies to all people who cheat on their significant others. They lack integrity to end a relationship if they want to pursue casual sex, relationships, etc with other people, so the next time some dude comes along and tempts her, if she’s interested she’ll cheat again because if you take her back now, she’ll know that you’ll forgive her and accept her back again.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, but these events don’t happen in a good relationship. Forgive her if you need to and move on without her. Take some time to yourself, heal, and find a partner that wants to be with you and only you.
Just to tack on: forgive but don’t forget. Have some self respect; you deserve someone who will treat you the way you treat them, at the very least.
Oh unless you’re heavy into cuck stuff. If so you do you.
Relationships don’t need to be hard. I was in a similar situation with my ex, I decided it was time to move on and cut all contact with her (later I realized she has been cheating for a while)
Later I found my now wife and I realized that it’s so easy to be happy with her, we never fight and we solve all our issues just by communicating
I can barely eat or sleep now.
This says everything you need to know. This relationship is unhealthy for you.
At this point we are back to FWB (monogamous),
That’s not a thing. You either seriously misunderstand the situation, or she’s telling you what you want to hear.
None of this is healthy, frankly for either of you.
Just my opinion here, but this is an excellent example of the many reasons why people shouldn’t be intimate before marriage. I have zero trust issues with my current gf who is quite a long distance from me. We have had chances of being intimate, but we didn’t go through with it.
My current relationship is over 8 years, still not married. We probably would have by now, if we could. But life is weird and it would destroy us financially at this point. One day though.
But regardless, we were intimate from practically the beginning. Trust is a foundation we have built, and not being married never affected that. Even when having to travel for work, trust isn’t an issue. Communication is one of the most important things in a relationship, imo
